"Tilt the cup,
Olivia! You're getting too much foam."
--Emma Cheskey (age 8) giving advice to her
sister, Olivia (age 6)
"Daddy, am I going to
get your butt?"
--Simon Max, September 2006, fearful of
getting his dad's big ol' tuckas
"Free Organ: wife
died and I want to get rid of the organ."
--Seen by Mike Capilo on a bulletin board at
Seville's Diner, 2/19/06
"That does it. I'm
sick of the Phillies and will no longer follow them. I'm now a fan
of Hamburg football. Same colors but less aggravation."
--Steve Ostrowski, 9/08/05
"You've got limited
morals to begin with..."
--Darren Max, 9/04/05, to Carter Cheskey.
aren't wearing any."
--Olivia Cheskey, August 2005, to her mother
when told to put on panties.
by Mike Capilo at a softball game, 5/24/05:
1st person: "I went to see the new Star Wars this
2nd person: "Are you sure?"
1st person: "What? Yes, I'm sure."
2nd person: "Oh, because I thought maybe you went to the
theater next door that was showing R2 does 2."
"I don't care where
my hands are at midnight, I'm coming home."
--Eric Bausch, May 2005, said after a week of
late nights spent with his girlfriend
"I don't see what the
big deal is. In reality, hasn't he essentially been dead for
about 20 years? It's been kind of like 'Weekend at Bernie's'
all over again. It's been 'Weekend at Pope John Paul's.'"
--Chris Mal, while watching news of the death
of Pope John Paul, 4/02/05
Me, smelling the fish that
Bev was cooking: "Jolie, something stinks."
Jolie, dropping her head and suddenly looking dejected: "Maybe
it's me..." (Then she reached around to her butt
and felt it) "...nope, not squishy, it's not me."
"But I'm not bigger."
--Jolie Malinowski, 2/11/05, looking in the
mirror immediately after waking up on her birthday.
"Mom, do you know
what the problem with boys is? They're not girls."
--Katy Mills, 5-years old, daughter of
Kirsten's crazy Canuck friend, Joanna.
My 4-year old niece,
Nicole: "Are those guys the Dolphins?"
My sister: "How did you know that?" (The big
dolphin in the middle of the field might have clued her
Nicole: "I like the Dolphins better than the
Eagles because they don't tackle each other."
(Soon after that, a play went off.)
My sister: "Didn't they just tackle each other right
Nicole: "No, see, they just got into one big pile, but
they didn't tackle each other. They just like to pile
Drunk Albright Student,
December 2004: "Hey Jeff, you guys sell cigars here?"
(This is asked while he is looking at a humidor three
feet in front of his face.
Jeff Tantum, bartending at the Goose: "Sure do, would
you like one?"
Drunk Albright Student: "Well how much are the $3 dollar
Jeff (very sarcasticly): "You're in luck, they're on
Drunk Albright Student: "Really?! How much?"
Jeff: "3 dollars."
Drunk Albright Student: "Awesome! I take one."
"It seemed like the
right thing to do at the time."
--Rick Heffner, every time he is asked to
explain his three marriages and three divorces and all of his
children. It will also probably be the epitaph on his
"I used to have an
origami business, but it folded."
--Tony Porco, 12/11/04, upon seeing an origami
kit at Borders
"Julia, I'm afraid I
have a horrible cough. It could be the end of me."
--an under-the-weather Olivia Cheskey, 11/20/04,
overhead talking to her sister
"It's like a fart
--Chris Mal, 11/06/04, after someone commented
something would happen "...when birds come flying out of my ass."
"I like my fingers,
but it's a time-saver."
--Kirsten Cheskey, 11/06/04
--Jill Porco, October 2004, reviewing George
Bush's performance in the second debate.
"You're not akin to
that guy who beats them watermelons are you?"
--a guy in Virginia who asked Drew Gallagher
if he was related to the Comedian Gallagher, September 2004
"Mike Capilo is
hotter than Jeff Werner."
Trooper Thorns, who should know
because she was hot, August 2004
"I'm so far behind, I
think I'm in first place."
--Eric Bausch, August 2004
"If Manson walked in
here right now, KC
would be lickin' a swastika."
--Carter Cheskey, 7/27/04, discussing his
overly friendly dog
"I have to get home
before my wife and my girlfriend get mad at me."
--A guy overheard in the subway by Tony Porco,
"To Spot ... I hope you're
up there biting Hitler."
--Carter Cheskey, 7/10/04, toasting to our
departed annoying biting dog Spot.
"You can't follow ya,
--Mike Capilo, 6/27/04, having trouble with
his pronouns, uttered this at a car which had followed him and Eric
Bausch onto Eric's street, as they turned into the driveway.
"She's an army of
--Eric Bausch, 6/12/04, commenting on an obese
woman wearing a shirt that said "Army of One."
"Who was the first
guy to test that? 'Hey, I bet if we cut...right here...'"
--Chris Mal, 6/19/04, after hearing that there
was a ligament that could be
cut in a penis that would allow it to be enlarged naturally.
(Yes, I'm quoting myself, but only at the request of others.)
"Let's not confuse
'prowess' with 'wanting it a lot.'"
--Chris Mal, 6/19/04, in response to Darren
who described his sex life as "The Max Prowess."
"Blue Cheese tastes
like ass. A good steak does not need any ass."
--Carter Cheskey, 6/19/04, explaining his
distaste for blue cheese
just wanted to see who I was farting on all night."
--Steve Ostrowski, 5/21/04, at the Mr. Hand
show at the Crab Barn,
after he turned around to look at the person behind him
a blind nut finds a squirrel."
--overheard by Mike Capilo at Berks Lanes
after someone threw a particularly ugly strike
they do is walk around and bitch about being lost."
--Jill Porco, March 2004, her succinct review
of The Blair Witch
I really want to, I don't have to talk to Pete DeCoursey...
I don't know how you put a value on that."
--Our appointed attorney general, Gerry
Pappert, 4/26/04, at a press luncheon,
when asked what was the best thing about not running for the office
just got back from the eye doctor. I had my pupils deleted."
--someone's Mom who wishes to remain anonymus
"I'm getting one of my corneas replaced. Knowing my luck it'll be
cursed and whenever I pass a certain place it'll take control of my
Mike: "It could be worse, just imagine if it were a cursed
Adam: "Yeah right, that certainly gives new meaning to the phrase,
'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.'
--3/24/04, dialog between Mike Capilo and Adam
lovely Mrs. Malinowski called today with the same question [about
what to bring to a gathering at her house.] She is bringing a
dip-like thing...but now that I think of it, she could have been
talking about Chris. ba dum bum!! Thank you, thank you...I'll be
here all week."
--3/18/04, Kirsten Cheskey in an email to
everyone coming over to her place that weekend
I went bathing suit shopping (you know for one of my
3...I mean...4 vacations and since only Olivia was in
school at that time, I had to take Emma and Julia.
So we are all in the dressing room and I am about to try
on the first one and I mutter...
"Okay, girls...here we go. Don't get your hopes up."
And Emma says,
I say, "Okay...what?"
Emma says, "Okay to whatever you just said."
And I said, "Oh, honey. I wasn't talking to you...I was
talking to my breasts."
--2/24/04, Dialog between Kirsten
Cheskey and her daughter Emma (age 6)
"Who do you think
--1/13/04, Emma Cheskey (age 6), questioning the
sense of her mother who was wearing her cool new beret.
"I can see it,
'Yeah, our house burned down, but the beds were made!'
or 'At least we got the house cleaned up before it burned to the ground.'"
--1/13/04, Lynn DeHaven (my sister), explaining how
she quickly made the beds and cleaned up the house a little after calling
911 to have the fire department come when they smelled smoke but couldn't
figure out where it was coming from.
"You two guys are
so fine...seriously, you guys are gorgeous...
now could you move so my
husband can sit here?"
--1/10/04, woman at the Sheraton who had a very
clever approach to
get Randy Boyer and Darren Max to move out of her way
do!....<under her breath> maybe if I was blind."
--1/10/04, Kirsten Cheskey, responding to Darren
Max's proclamation that he resembles Orlando Bloom
"It's not so much
the volume, but the consistency."
--1/10/04, Chris Mal responding to Randy Boyer who
said that he doesn't have a loud voice.
"Oh, I've never had
a man order Brie before!"
--1/10/04, the waitress at Viva (who clearly wasn't
interested in a tip)
to me after I ordered Brie as my appetizer
"I'll have the 72 ounce steak...raw."
--1/10/04, Chris Mal, ordering his main course soon
after the Brie comment
"You get more out
of people by being nice than being creepy."
--Joyce Small, 10/01/03, co-worker of Judy Parsons
who is a former co-worker of Sandy Horning
--Jolie, 10/16/03, who hasn't quite yet grasped the
concept of verbs,
telling me she has a cold.
"If the Red Sox win
the World Series are you going to have a kid every year?"
--Tom Holland, September 2003, to Drew Gallagher who
just became a father and whose favorite team is the Red Sox
if men had to go through that there would be no babies in the world."
--Drew Wine, August 2003, discussing what women go
through during labor and the few weeks that follow it
Chris used the word 'forsooth'. I looooove that word. It ranks right up
there with 'asunder' and 'wherewithall' and 'heretofore' and 'Dikembe
Mutumbo' in my book of favorite words."
--Kirsten Cheskey, 8/24/03
"My neighbors wanted to know why they
weren't invited to the séance on our porch. Bastards wouldn't know
ambiance if it kicked 'em in the ass. I mean, so what if it was a thousand
degrees on the porch...the candles
looked nice for Christ's sake."
--Kirsten Cheskey, 8/06/03
"Carter and I had such a good time at
the restaurant. His favorite part was the nekkid pics of Deb. Mine was
Beverly sticking her ass in a stranger's face."
--Kirsten Cheskey, 8/06/03
"I promise not to feed Randy any more
loud-mouth soup before we get together next time."
--Colleen Boyer, 8/06/03
"Is it your turn again?"
--Me, 8/02/03, after Randy Boyer promised to let
someone else talk for a change, and then just kept on talking.
"They all thought they were coming to
see Mr. Handel."
--Mike Capilo, 6/27/03, after someone commented on
the number of older people watching the
Mr. Hand show at the Mt. Penn 100-year Anniversary bash at the Mt.
"I'm a Jew with
a small penis."
--Darren Max, 6/21/03, reading Carter Cheskey's
answer card during the game "Balderdash"
"I'm in the
MENSA for stupid people--DENSA!"
--Tony Porco, 2003
"Hey, I've got the blood of Christ on
--Kirsten Cheskey, Spring of 2003, while kneeling at
the front of the church, after the priest spilled a little wine on her
"Mom, Randall kicked me and took my
money ... but it wasn't real money."
--Emma Cheskey, 3/09/03, crying as she came up the
steps from the basement where the kids were playing. Apparently she
felt Randall Jr. deserved punishment, but apparently not severe punishment
- afterall, it was just play money.
"Randy bought her a new car for her
birthday, Randy writes her poetry ... Do you know how much trouble
you've gotten me into? ... Don't even let me hear that you bought her a
--Carter Cheskey, 3/09/03, making fun of Randy Boyer
who bought Colleen a Mercedes for her birthday
"When I drink I break out in
--John Torbet, when asked why he no longer drank
"Don't do it blue."
--John Peffer, around 1994, to the umpire, following
a meatball right down the center of the plate for strike three.
"There is no such thing as a bad
beer....there are only bad beer drinkers."
--Vince Skoff (a.k.a. Scoop), 1986 thru the present.
"Michael, you're ruining my life!"
--13-year old Marc Moyer, to his brother Mike, after
Mike messed up Marc's chance of getting the high score on a Nintendo game.
"Y'all know her cookin' was so good,
make ya wanta go home and smack ya momma!"
--A guy who works with Mark Schwartz who is
originally from Mississippi
"Gonna fill them up with holes like
the Swiss cheese they is."
--Overheard by Mark Schwartz while overseas during
"Do you know your
--John Matt, October 2002
"Do y'all have all y'all's stuff?"
--overheard while walking past a hotel by someone you know
in Maui that wishes not to be recognized, October 2002
"If you do that again, it'll be
you..me..and a big tub of vaseline."
--Chris Putt and his buddy were in the first room of a
tour of Independance Hall, standing in the back. A few young kids
are up front. The tour guide, a girl in her thirties, is
explaining the room's use in the 1700's She is standing behind a
low carved wooden gate that has designs which allow for a small child to
stick their legs through. After one child does this the guide
warns him he might not be able to get out. He does it again.
She turns to him and utters what is probabaly the funniest quote ever...
"She's not the only one here, ya
--My 5-year old nephew, Eric, 8/14/02, to a waitress who
was telling Bev how beautiful Jolie is.
"I don't know why Porsche's are sold
in America. You can't drive them as fast as they're meant to be
Anyway, you know they're just trying to compensate for
something. A real man drives a Yugo."
--Eric Effraimson, 6/02/02, after a Porsche passed by
"She's a super-duper pooper.
She's can potty with the best. Take a bow,
your a big girl now. Your the best pooper we know."
--Chorus from the theme song on a tape that my sister has
for her daugther, Nicole (my neice, obviously), that is supposed to help
potty train, sung to the tune of "Yankee Doodle Dandy."
"I walked into the club where he was,
saw him talking to some blond, did a 190 turn and left."
--A friend's mom who is to remain anonymous.
"So, as you left, you walked into the wall?
That must've been embarrassing."
--The anonymous mom's son.
"Met with our priest last night. We
spoke with him for almost two hours.
Please do not give him the
finger in October at our wedding."
--Greg Ciambruschini (who flipped off the pastor at Drew
& Margaret's wedding)
to Drew Gallagher, 2/19/02
"I never knock on a drunken girl's
door if she won't knock on mine in a drunken moment."
--Tom Gallagher, 11/15/01, talking to two drunk ASU
"Normal people use the weekend to
recover from the week,
but lately we've been using the weeks to recover
from the weekends."
--Bryan Carroll, 9/23/01
"A day without Chris Malinowski is
like a day without sunshine.
Happy Birthday, my friend."
--Drew Gallagher, 8/18/01
"Everything I own smells like empty
beer cans...even my kids."
--Tom Barzd, 8/14/01, after Jeff Schaeffer commented that
the trunk of Tom's car smelled like empty beer cans.
"Marriage is like having a Mom all
--Drew Gallagher, 8/14/01
"I'll get back on the mound when that
guy gets back in the box because that last pitch was a strike!"
--Your Pal, 8/09/01, after walking a batter on a pitch
that was right down the middle, and then hearing Chris Hunter complain
because I was stalling in the 95 degree heat and 100%
"I could see Chris Hunter's face as
soon as I dropped it."
--Jeff Schaeffer, 8/09/01, describing his first thoughts
after misplaying a routine fly ball.
"You should be the last person
helping people judge distances."
--Your Pal, 8/09/01, to Jeff Schaeffer as he was helping
someone back out of a tight parking space, about 30 minutes after
misjudging the distance on a routine fly ball in left-centerfield.
(Disclaimer: This was the first ball that I've ever seen him misplay,
but I couldn't resist.)
"Hey, Bev's sister's pretty hot, any
chance she's looking for an underachiever?"
--Dickie Delp, 8/09/01
"Before the game, Steve's head was in
and Mike's was in Comedy Central."
--Tom Barzd, 7/26/01, discussing the mental state of our
team prior to an unexciting win against Moyer's just before leaving for
our State Tournament in Chambersburg.
"Oh, for God's sakes, stop eating."
--Steve Julian, July 2001, while drinking the parking lot
for a few hours after a round of golf, turned his head to see a very
large woman walking by at a distance wearing clothes about 5 sizes too
"C'mon, Poo, take the picture!"
--Jeff Tantum, June 2001, annoyed at Disney World when he
waited for a long time to get his girlfriend's daughter's picture taken
with Winny the Poo, only to have Poo leave to take a smoke break just as
they reached the front of the line.
--Jeff Tantum, 7/03/01, giving left-handed Jamie
"Rachel" Schlesinger his new nick-name.
"I have a belly-button ring...it goes
all the way around."
--Dickie Delp, 6/19/01.
"Are we playing Fall Ball...this year...in the Fall?"
--Dickie Delp, 6/19/01.
"WHO FARTED, MOM?"
--Corey Rowley (Cathy
Ketcher-Rowley's son), Age 4, 2000,
standing in a women's' bathroom stall at the Pike Cafe with his Mom when someone
relieved themselves in the neighboring stall. At age 4, he was just
curious. Needless to say, Mom ran from the bathroom with her son a little embarrassed.
"That makes sense since Dale is gay."
--Jon Perkins, 5/31/01, upon finding out that Dale wanted
to go see the movie Pearl Harbor
"This would be a good place for a
--Steve Ostrowski, 5/19/01, as he biked past a run-down, nasty pavilion
in Asbury Park, NJ during the MS Bike-a-thon
"Her ass was as small as mine was when
I was born."
--Jeff Shaeffer, 5/17/01, describing one of the waitresses in a
club in Ocean City
"Do you get a discount for airbags on
your homeowners policy?"
--Kelly, chick who works with Chris Bragg, 2001
"Let's see...you were learning to
drive while I was learning cursive."
--Melissa Crane, discussing her age difference with Mike
--Dale Scott, 3/31/01, bidding on Homer Bush in the ASL
"How does Chris remember all of these
--Troy Heckert, 2/27/01, in reference to Trivial Pursuit
night some 10 years ago
"It's all part of the Chris Malinowski experience, which you are now a part
From here on out, you will not need to remember a single date, for he will
remind you when to call your parents and wish them a happy anniversary."
--Tom Gallagher, 2/27/01
"Didn't he learn that you're not
supposed to cheat off the stupid kid in school?"
--Jon Perkins, 2/13/01, upon learning that Dale Scott was
planning to mimic his Fantasy Baseball strategy
"My name's Merv."
--Amish guy with really big hands at the Pretzel stand at
the Fairgrounds Farmer's Market, 2/02/01
"Get away from me, dog. If you want
water, this isn't the kind you drink."
--Ed Key to Steve Julian's dog, Jackie, as he was pee-ing
off the deck at Steve's house, early AM 12/17/00
"It looks like a penis."
--My 5-year old niece while holding up the last bite of
her hot-dog, 12/08/00
"Beer solves every problem."
--Steve Julian, early AM 11/04/00
"Ewwwww. You made that up! I've never heard it called THAT before.
You made it up and I never want to hear it again. STOP SAYING THAT!"
--Kerry McGuinness to Your Pal upon hearing (apparently for the first -- and last -- time)
a slang term used to describe part of the female anatomy, Summer of 2000
"Yeah, if I was ever on 'Who Wants to
Be a Millionaire'
I'd use Tom Holland as one of my lifelines except he doesn't have a phone."
--Drew Gallagher, 10/10/00
"Wilson girls are like a slot machine
that never loses."
--Eric Neuheimer, 09/30/00
"Everything you say and do annoys me."
--Greg Ciambruschini, April of 1998
"You want to know why I don't eat in the
Because apparently they SIT on everything! First the chips and now my bun!"
--Your Pal Mal, 8/09/00, after finding a curly hair in the
chips one day
and getting a totally smooshed cheeseburger bun the next
"Perhaps we should adjourn to the
--Steve Ostrowski, 8/13/00
"I refuse to eat anything that can
taste me back."
--Your Pal, explaining why he
would never eat Cow-Tongue, 8/11/00
"Was it 'Nell', because I'd throw that
-- Drew Gallagher, when told that a friend's boyfriend,
during a fight, threw a video tape against the wall.
"Jamie, you want a beer?...No? OK."
--Steve Julian talking in his sleep the night before
"Who's the old lady with blue hair
driving this train?!"
--Everyone who followed Chris Hunter up to States, 7/28/00
"No one has a right to ask you what
you do in your bedroom
unless you ask them to hold the camera."
--Jeff Keeran, 7/13/00
"I love the ones that look like a
--Dickie Delp, 7/16/00
"If I wouldn't have remembered, I
would have told you."
--A drunken Missy Julian
"Dude! Get your hands out of your
--One of Margaret G's students to
Habib (one of her other "special" students from Bangladesh)
who was umm...spanking it...right in the middle of class.
"First, I Mach-3 the
--Eric Neuheimer, speaking of the grooming procedure used
for his private parts, 5/25/00.
"(They are) our nose guards up the
--Chris Hunter referring to the week-day Softball team's
dynamic double-play duo of Steve Julian and Mike Zalegowski, 5/25/00.
"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."
"My greatest gift is the gift of celibacy."
--John Fleming, 5/17/00
"It was like throwing a pencil down a
--Dickie Delp, 4/29/00
"You never know who is swimming naked until the tide goes out."
"Wow, 19¢ a mile... I'm gonna drive real slow!"
--checkout operator at K-mart (who once worked with Eric
Bausch), when she was asked
to drive to another store to help for a few days and was told she'd get paid 19¢ per mile to drive.
In response to Heather Koop who said:
"After a day like today, I cannot go home and
face my kids asking, 'Mommy, what's for dinner?'"
"Yeah, on a day like today they should be asking,
'Mommy, do you want that shaken or stirred?'"
-- Wendy Freshman, 1/09/00
"Half of my family are red-heads!"
-- Margaret G, in a drunken state, explaining how she
has no problem with Red-necks, 2/26/00
"F@%# fun, F@%# friends, this team is
-- Steve Julian, about the week-day Civic II Giovanna's
"Look, Hanna is a walking yummy!"
-- 6 year old Chanel Hummel said it to the dog, about her baby
"That's right, you need all the help you can get!!!"
-- Erin Hannon, 3 years old, responding to a conversation her parents,
Brian and Kathy Hannon, were having about buying a video on parenting.
"We ate at this place called the 'Flapjack
-- Kerry McGuinness (stone-cold sober)
-- Dickie Delp
"Serving yesterday's needs tomorrow."
-- Butch Schaeffer's motto for GPU Logistics
"There's more than one way to lick a cat."
-- Mark Brown (KPMG formerly from GPU Energy Logistics)
"Sean Puffy Combs and Puff Daddy aren't the same person, are they?"
-- Drew Gallagher, 12/18/99
"He took the short bus to school."
(by way of explanation to the ticket taker watching over
our pal's troubles getting through a turnstile at the dog track in Pensacola.)
-- Greg Ciambruschini, April of 1998
"That's no hair off of MY
-- John Fleming,
"Don't worry about the fact that
the mule is blind, just keep loading the cart."
-- Bob Evans