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Quotes
"College is just a bar with a $100,000 cover charge."

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(No movie quotes. Personal quotes only, please.)

Here are the lyrics to "Baby Shark", a special gift from Ema the Hooters Girl, given to us after dinner the night of Eric Bausch's bachelor party, 9/22/07...

"Tilt the cup, Olivia!  You're getting too much foam."
--Emma Cheskey (age 8) giving advice to her sister, Olivia (age 6)

"Daddy, am I going to get your butt?"
--Simon Max, September 2006, fearful of getting his dad's big ol' tuckas

"Free Organ: wife died and I want to get rid of the organ."
--Seen by Mike Capilo on a bulletin board at Seville's Diner, 2/19/06

"That does it. I'm sick of the Phillies and will no longer follow them. I'm now a fan of Hamburg football. Same colors but less aggravation."
--Steve Ostrowski, 9/08/05

"You've got limited morals to begin with..."
--Darren Max, 9/04/05, to Carter Cheskey.

"Well you aren't wearing any."
--Olivia Cheskey, August 2005, to her mother when told to put on panties.

Overheard by Mike Capilo at a softball game, 5/24/05:
1st person: "I went to see the new Star Wars this weekend."
2nd person: "Are you sure?"
1st person: "What? Yes, I'm sure."
2nd person: "Oh, because I thought maybe you went to the theater next door that was showing R2 does 2."

"I don't care where my hands are at midnight, I'm coming home."
--Eric Bausch, May 2005, said after a week of late nights spent with his girlfriend

"I don't see what the big deal is.  In reality, hasn't he essentially been dead for about 20 years?  It's been kind of like 'Weekend at Bernie's' all over again.  It's been 'Weekend at Pope John Paul's.'"
--Chris Mal, while watching news of the death of Pope John Paul, 4/02/05

Me, smelling the fish that Bev was cooking: "Jolie, something stinks."

Jolie, dropping her head and suddenly looking dejected: "Maybe it's me..."  (Then she reached around to her butt and felt it) "...nope, not squishy, it's not me."

"But I'm not bigger."
--Jolie Malinowski, 2/11/05, looking in the mirror immediately after waking up on her birthday.

"Mom, do you know what the problem with boys is?  They're not girls."
--Katy Mills, 5-years old, daughter of Kirsten's crazy Canuck friend, Joanna.

My 4-year old niece, Nicole: "Are those guys the Dolphins?"

My sister: "How did you know that?"  (The big dolphin in the middle of the field might have clued her in.)

Nicole:  "I like the Dolphins better than the Eagles because they don't tackle each other."

(Soon after that, a play went off.)

My sister: "Didn't they just tackle each other right there?"

Nicole: "No, see, they just got into one big pile, but they didn't tackle each other.  They just like to pile up together."

 

Drunk Albright Student, December 2004: "Hey Jeff, you guys sell cigars here?" (This is asked while he is looking at a humidor three feet in front of his face.

Jeff Tantum, bartending at the Goose: "Sure do, would you like one?"

Drunk Albright Student: "Well how much are the $3 dollar ones?"

Jeff (very sarcasticly): "You're in luck, they're on sale"

Drunk Albright Student: "Really?! How much?"

Jeff: "3 dollars."

Drunk Albright Student: "Awesome! I take one."

"It seemed like the right thing to do at the time."
--Rick Heffner, every time he is asked to explain his three marriages and three divorces and all of his children.  It will also probably be the epitaph on his tombstone.

"I used to have an origami business, but it folded."
--Tony Porco, 12/11/04, upon seeing an origami kit at Borders

"Julia, I'm afraid I have a horrible cough.  It could be the end of me."
--an under-the-weather Olivia Cheskey, 11/20/04, overhead talking to her sister

"It's like a fart with feathers."
--Chris Mal, 11/06/04, after someone commented that
something would happen "...when birds come flying out of my ass."

"I like my fingers, but it's a time-saver."
--Kirsten Cheskey, 11/06/04

"Petulance Accomplished!"
--Jill Porco, October 2004, reviewing George Bush's performance in the second debate.

"You're not akin to that guy who beats them watermelons are you?"
--a guy in Virginia who asked Drew Gallagher if he was related to the Comedian Gallagher, September 2004

"Mike Capilo is hotter than Jeff Werner."
--girl at Trooper Thorns, who should know because she was hot, August 2004

"I'm so far behind, I think I'm in first place."
--Eric Bausch, August 2004

"If Manson walked in here right now, KC would be lickin' a swastika."
--Carter Cheskey, 7/27/04, discussing his overly friendly dog

"I have to get home before my wife and my girlfriend get mad at me."
--A guy overheard in the subway by Tony Porco, June 2004

"To Spot ... I hope you're up there biting Hitler."
--Carter Cheskey, 7/10/04, toasting to our departed annoying biting dog Spot.

"You can't follow ya, can me?"
--Mike Capilo, 6/27/04, having trouble with his pronouns, uttered this at a car which had followed him and Eric Bausch onto Eric's street, as they turned into the driveway.
 

"She's an army of two...maybe two-fifty."
--Eric Bausch, 6/12/04, commenting on an obese woman wearing a shirt that said "Army of One."

"Who was the first guy to test that?  'Hey, I bet if we cut...right here...'"
--Chris Mal, 6/19/04, after hearing that there was a ligament that could be
cut in a penis that would allow it to be enlarged naturally.
(Yes, I'm quoting myself, but only at the request of others.)

"Let's not confuse 'prowess' with 'wanting it a lot.'"
--Chris Mal, 6/19/04, in response to Darren who described his sex life as "The Max Prowess."

"Blue Cheese tastes like ass.  A good steak does not need any ass."
--Carter Cheskey, 6/19/04, explaining his distaste for blue cheese

"I just wanted to see who I was farting on all night."
--Steve Ostrowski, 5/21/04, at the Mr. Hand show at the Crab Barn,
after he turned around to look at the person behind him

"Even a blind nut finds a squirrel."
--overheard by Mike Capilo at Berks Lanes after someone threw a particularly ugly strike

"All they do is walk around and bitch about being lost."
--Jill Porco, March 2004, her succinct review of The Blair Witch Project

"Unless I really want to, I don't have to talk to Pete DeCoursey...
I don't know how you put a value on that."
--Our appointed attorney general, Gerry Pappert, 4/26/04, at a press luncheon,
when asked what was the best thing about not running for the office this year.

"I just got back from the eye doctor.  I had my pupils deleted."
--someone's Mom who wishes to remain anonymus

Adam:  "I'm getting one of my corneas replaced.  Knowing my luck it'll be cursed and whenever I pass a certain place it'll take control of my body."
Mike: "It could be worse, just imagine if it were a cursed tranvestite's cornea."
Adam:  "Yeah right, that certainly gives new meaning to the phrase, 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.'

--3/24/04, dialog between Mike Capilo and Adam Diamont

"The lovely Mrs. Malinowski called today with the same question [about what to bring to a gathering at her house.]  She is bringing a dip-like thing...but now that I think of it, she could have been talking about Chris.  ba dum bum!!  Thank you, thank you...I'll be here all week."
--3/18/04, Kirsten Cheskey in an email to everyone coming over to her place that weekend

Yesterday I went bathing suit shopping (you know for one of my 3...I mean...4 vacations and since only Olivia was in school at that time, I had to take Emma and Julia.  So we are all in the dressing room and I am about to try on the first one and I mutter...
"Okay, girls...here we go.  Don't get your hopes up."

And Emma says, "Okay."
I say, "Okay...what?"
Emma says, "Okay to whatever you just said."
And I said, "Oh, honey.  I wasn't talking to you...I was talking to my breasts."
--2/24/04, Dialog between Kirsten Cheskey and her daughter Emma (age 6)

"Who do you think you are...Matisse?'"
--1/13/04, Emma Cheskey (age 6), questioning the fashion
sense of her mother who was wearing her cool new beret.

"I can see it, 'Yeah, our house burned down, but the beds were made!'
or 'At least we got the house cleaned up before it burned to the ground.'"
--1/13/04, Lynn DeHaven (my sister), explaining how she quickly made the beds and cleaned up the house a little after calling 911 to have the fire department come when they smelled smoke but couldn't figure out where it was coming from.

"You two guys are so fine...seriously, you guys are gorgeous...
now could you move so my husband can sit here?"
--1/10/04, woman at the Sheraton who had a very clever approach to
get Randy Boyer and Darren Max to move out of her way

"Yeah, you do!....<under her breath> maybe if I was blind."
--1/10/04, Kirsten Cheskey, responding to Darren Max's proclamation that he resembles Orlando Bloom

"It's not so much the volume, but the consistency."
--1/10/04, Chris Mal responding to Randy Boyer who said that he doesn't have a loud voice.

"Oh, I've never had a man order Brie before!"
--1/10/04, the waitress at Viva (who clearly wasn't interested in a tip)
to me after I ordered Brie as my appetizer
"I'll have the 72 ounce steak...raw."
--1/10/04, Chris Mal, ordering his main course soon after the Brie comment

"You get more out of people by being nice than being creepy."
--Joyce Small, 10/01/03, co-worker of Judy Parsons who is a former co-worker of Sandy Horning

"Boogies. Nose."
--Jolie, 10/16/03, who hasn't quite yet grasped the concept of verbs, telling me she has a cold.

"If the Red Sox win the World Series are you going to have a kid every year?"
--Tom Holland, September 2003, to Drew Gallagher who just became a father and whose favorite team is the Red Sox

"Oh, if men had to go through that there would be no babies in the world."
--Drew Wine, August 2003, discussing what women go through during labor and the few weeks that follow it

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, Chris used the word 'forsooth'.  I looooove that word.  It ranks right up there with 'asunder' and 'wherewithall' and 'heretofore' and 'Dikembe Mutumbo' in my book of favorite words."
--Kirsten Cheskey, 8/24/03

"My neighbors wanted to know why they weren't invited to the séance on our porch.  Bastards wouldn't know ambiance if it kicked 'em in the ass. I mean, so what if it was a thousand degrees on the porch...the candles looked nice for Christ's sake."
--Kirsten Cheskey, 8/06/03

"Carter and I had such a good time at the restaurant.  His favorite part was the nekkid pics of Deb.  Mine was Beverly sticking her ass in a stranger's face."
--Kirsten Cheskey, 8/06/03

"I promise not to feed Randy any more loud-mouth soup before we get together next time."
--Colleen Boyer, 8/06/03

"Is it your turn again?"
--Me, 8/02/03, after Randy Boyer promised to let someone else talk for a change, and then just kept on talking.

"They all thought they were coming to see Mr. Handel."
--Mike Capilo, 6/27/03, after someone commented on the number of older people watching the Mr. Hand show at the Mt. Penn 100-year Anniversary bash at the Mt. Penn A-field.

"I'm a Jew with a small penis."
--Darren Max, 6/21/03, reading Carter Cheskey's answer card during the game "Balderdash"

"I'm in the MENSA for stupid people--DENSA!"
--Tony Porco, 2003

"Hey, I've got the blood of Christ on my hands!"
--Kirsten Cheskey, Spring of 2003, while kneeling at the front of the church, after the priest spilled a little wine on her hand.

"Mom, Randall kicked me and took my money ... but it wasn't real money."
--Emma Cheskey, 3/09/03, crying as she came up the steps from the basement where the kids were playing.  Apparently she felt Randall Jr. deserved punishment, but apparently not severe punishment - afterall, it was just play money.

"Randy bought her a new car for her birthday, Randy writes her poetry ... Do you know how much trouble you've gotten me into? ... Don't even let me hear that you bought her a star."
--Carter Cheskey, 3/09/03, making fun of Randy Boyer who bought Colleen a Mercedes for her birthday

"When I drink I break out in handcuffs."
--John Torbet, when asked why he no longer drank

"Don't do it blue."
--John Peffer, around 1994, to the umpire, following a meatball right down the center of the plate for strike three.

"There is no such thing as a bad beer....there are only bad beer drinkers."
--Vince Skoff (a.k.a. Scoop), 1986 thru the present.

"Michael, you're ruining my life!"
--13-year old Marc Moyer, to his brother Mike, after Mike messed up Marc's chance of getting the high score on a Nintendo game.

"Y'all know her cookin' was so good, make ya wanta go home and smack ya momma!"
--A guy who works with Mark Schwartz who is originally from Mississippi

"Gonna fill them up with holes like the Swiss cheese they is."
--Overheard by Mark Schwartz while overseas during Desert Storm

"Do you know your astronomical sign?"
--John Matt, October 2002

"Do y'all have all y'all's stuff?"
--overheard while walking past a hotel by someone you know in Maui that wishes not to be recognized, October 2002

"If you do that again, it'll be you..me..and a big tub of vaseline."
--Chris Putt and his buddy were in the first room of a tour of Independance Hall, standing in the back.  A few young kids are up front.  The tour guide, a girl in her thirties, is explaining the room's use in the 1700's  She is standing behind a low carved wooden gate that has designs which allow for a small child to stick their legs through.  After one child does this the guide warns him he might not be able to get out.  He does it again.  She turns to him and utters what is probabaly the funniest quote ever...

"She's not the only one here, ya know."
--My 5-year old nephew, Eric, 8/14/02, to a waitress who was telling Bev how beautiful Jolie is.

"I don't know why Porsche's are sold in America.  You can't drive them as fast as they're meant to be driven.  Anyway, you know they're just trying to compensate for something.  A real man drives a Yugo."
--Eric Effraimson, 6/02/02, after a Porsche passed by

"She's a super-duper pooper.  She's can potty with the best.  Take a bow,
your a big girl now.  Your the best pooper we know."
--Chorus from the theme song on a tape that my sister has for her daugther, Nicole (my neice, obviously), that is supposed to help potty train, sung to the tune of "Yankee Doodle Dandy."

"I walked into the club where he was, saw him talking to some blond, did a 190 turn and left."
--A friend's mom who is to remain anonymous.
"So, as you left, you walked into the wall? That must've been embarrassing."
--The anonymous mom's son.

"Met with our priest last night. We spoke with him for almost two hours.
Please do not give him the finger in October at our wedding."
--Greg Ciambruschini (who flipped off the pastor at Drew & Margaret's wedding)
to Drew Gallagher, 2/19/02

"I never knock on a drunken girl's door if she won't knock on mine in a drunken moment."
--Tom Gallagher, 11/15/01, talking to two drunk ASU students

"Normal people use the weekend to recover from the week,
but lately we've been using the weeks to recover from the weekends."
--Bryan Carroll, 9/23/01

"A day without Chris Malinowski is like a day without sunshine.
Happy Birthday, my friend."
--Drew Gallagher, 8/18/01

"Everything I own smells like empty beer cans...even my kids."
--Tom Barzd, 8/14/01, after Jeff Schaeffer commented that
the trunk of Tom's car smelled like empty beer cans.

"Marriage is like having a Mom all over again."
--Drew Gallagher, 8/14/01

"I'll get back on the mound when that guy gets back in the box because that last pitch was a strike!"
--Your Pal, 8/09/01, after walking a batter on a pitch that was right down the middle, and then hearing Chris Hunter complain because I was stalling in the 95 degree heat and 100% humidity.

"I could see Chris Hunter's face as soon as I dropped it."
--Jeff Schaeffer, 8/09/01, describing his first thoughts after misplaying a routine fly ball.

"You should be the last person helping people judge distances."
--Your Pal, 8/09/01, to Jeff Schaeffer as he was helping someone back out of a tight parking space, about 30 minutes after misjudging the distance on a routine fly ball in left-centerfield.  (Disclaimer: This was the first ball that I've ever seen him misplay, but I couldn't resist.)

"Hey, Bev's sister's pretty hot, any chance she's looking for an underachiever?"
--Dickie Delp, 8/09/01

"Before the game, Steve's head was in Chambersburg,
and Mike's was in Comedy Central."
--Tom Barzd, 7/26/01, discussing the mental state of our team prior to an unexciting win against Moyer's just before leaving for our State Tournament in Chambersburg.

"Oh, for God's sakes, stop eating."
--Steve Julian, July 2001, while drinking the parking lot for a few hours after a round of golf, turned his head to see a very large woman walking by at a distance wearing clothes about 5 sizes too small.

"C'mon, Poo, take the picture!"
--Jeff Tantum, June 2001, annoyed at Disney World when he waited for a long time to get his girlfriend's daughter's picture taken with Winny the Poo, only to have Poo leave to take a smoke break just as they reached the front of the line.

"Rachiro!"
--Jeff Tantum, 7/03/01, giving left-handed Jamie "Rachel" Schlesinger his new nick-name.

"I have a belly-button ring...it goes all the way around."
--Dickie Delp, 6/19/01.

"Are we playing Fall Ball...this year...in the Fall?"
--Dickie Delp, 6/19/01.

"WHO FARTED, MOM?"
--Corey Rowley (Cathy Ketcher-Rowley's son), Age 4, 2000, standing in a women's' bathroom stall at the Pike Cafe with his Mom when someone relieved themselves in the neighboring stall.  At age 4, he was just curious.  Needless to say, Mom ran from the bathroom with her son a little embarrassed.

"That makes sense since Dale is gay."
--Jon Perkins, 5/31/01, upon finding out that Dale wanted to go see the movie Pearl Harbor

"This would be a good place for a deflowering table."
--Steve Ostrowski, 5/19/01, as he biked past a run-down, nasty pavilion in Asbury Park, NJ during the MS Bike-a-thon

"Her ass was as small as mine was when I was born."
--Jeff Shaeffer, 5/17/01, describing one of the waitresses in a club in Ocean City

"Do you get a discount for airbags on your homeowners policy?"
--Kelly, chick who works with Chris Bragg, 2001

"Let's see...you were learning to drive while I was learning cursive."
--Melissa Crane, discussing her age difference with Mike Capilo, 4/16/01

"Ten."
--Dale Scott, 3/31/01, bidding on Homer Bush in the ASL Rotisserie draft.

"How does Chris remember all of these dates?"
--Troy Heckert, 2/27/01, in reference to Trivial Pursuit night some 10 years ago

"It's all part of the Chris Malinowski experience, which you are now a part of.
From here on out, you will not need to remember a single date, for he will
remind you when to call your parents and wish them a happy anniversary."
--Tom Gallagher, 2/27/01

"Didn't he learn that you're not supposed to cheat off the stupid kid in school?"
--Jon Perkins, 2/13/01, upon learning that Dale Scott was planning to mimic his Fantasy Baseball strategy

"My name's Merv."
--Amish guy with really big hands at the Pretzel stand at the Fairgrounds Farmer's Market, 2/02/01

"Get away from me, dog. If you want water, this isn't the kind you drink."
--Ed Key to Steve Julian's dog, Jackie, as he was pee-ing off the deck at Steve's house, early AM 12/17/00

"It looks like a penis."
--My 5-year old niece while holding up the last bite of her hot-dog, 12/08/00

"Beer solves every problem."
--Steve Julian, early AM 11/04/00

"Ewwwww. You made that up! I've never heard it called THAT before.
You made it up and I never want to hear it again. STOP SAYING THAT!"
--Kerry McGuinness to Your Pal upon hearing (apparently for the first -- and last -- time)
a slang term used to describe part of the female anatomy, Summer of 2000

"Yeah, if I was ever on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire'
I'd use Tom Holland as one of my lifelines except he doesn't have a phone."
--Drew Gallagher, 10/10/00

"Wilson girls are like a slot machine that never loses."
--Eric Neuheimer, 09/30/00

"Everything you say and do annoys me."
--Greg Ciambruschini, April of 1998

"You want to know why I don't eat in the Caf?
Because apparently they SIT on everything! First the chips and now my bun!"
--Your Pal Mal, 8/09/00, after finding a curly hair in the chips one day
and getting a totally smooshed cheeseburger bun the next

"Perhaps we should adjourn to the 'Deflowering Table'."
--Steve Ostrowski, 8/13/00

"I refuse to eat anything that can taste me back."
--Your Pal, explaining why he would never eat Cow-Tongue, 8/11/00

"Was it 'Nell', because I'd throw that tape, too."
-- Drew Gallagher, when told that a friend's boyfriend, during a fight, threw a video tape against the wall.

"Jamie, you want a beer?...No? OK."
--Steve Julian talking in his sleep the night before States, 7/28/00

"Who's the old lady with blue hair driving this train?!"
--Everyone who followed Chris Hunter up to States, 7/28/00

"No one has a right to ask you what you do in your bedroom
unless you ask them to hold the camera."
--Jeff Keeran, 7/13/00

"I love the ones that look like a Japanese Beetle."
--Dickie Delp, 7/16/00

"If I wouldn't have remembered, I would have told you."
--A drunken Missy Julian

"Dude! Get your hands out of your pants!"
--One of Margaret G's students to
Habib (one of her other "special" students from Bangladesh)
who was umm...spanking it...right in the middle of class.

"First, I Mach-3 the undercarriage..."
--Eric Neuheimer, speaking of the grooming procedure used for his private parts, 5/25/00.

"(They are) our nose guards up the middle."
--Chris Hunter referring to the week-day Softball team's (Giovanna's Pizza)
dynamic double-play duo of Steve Julian and Mike Zalegowski, 5/25/00.

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."
--unknown

"My greatest gift is the gift of celibacy."
--John Fleming, 5/17/00

"It was like throwing a pencil down a hallway."
--Dickie Delp, 4/29/00

"You never know who is swimming naked until the tide goes out."
--Alan "G"

"Wow, 19¢ a mile... I'm gonna drive real slow!"
--checkout operator at K-mart (who once worked with Eric Bausch), when she was asked
to drive to another store to help for a few days and was told she'd get paid 19¢ per mile to drive.

In response to Heather Koop who said:
"After a day like today, I cannot go home and
face my kids asking, 'Mommy, what's for dinner?'"
"Yeah, on a day like today they should be asking,
'Mommy, do you want that shaken or stirred?'"
-- Wendy Freshman, 1/09/00

"Half of my family are red-heads!"
-- Margaret G, in a drunken state, explaining how she has no problem with Red-necks, 2/26/00

"F@%# fun, F@%# friends, this team is about winning!"
-- Steve Julian, about the week-day Civic II Giovanna's Pizza Softball team, 1/26/00

"Look, Hanna is a walking yummy!"
-- 6 year old Chanel Hummel said it to the dog, about her baby sister.

 "That's right, you need all the help you can get!!!"
-- Erin Hannon, 3 years old, responding to a conversation her parents,
Brian and Kathy Hannon, were having about buying a video on parenting.

 "We ate at this place called the 'Flapjack Pug-ga-ba.'"
-- Kerry McGuinness (stone-cold sober)

 "Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccce."
-- Dickie Delp

 "Serving yesterday's needs tomorrow."
-- Butch Schaeffer's motto for GPU Logistics

 "There's more than one way to lick a cat."
-- Mark Brown (KPMG formerly from GPU Energy Logistics)

 "Sean Puffy Combs and Puff Daddy aren't the same person, are they?"
-- Drew Gallagher, 12/18/99

 "He took the short bus to school."
(by way of explanation to the ticket taker watching over
our pal's troubles getting through a turnstile at the dog track in Pensacola.)
-- Greg Ciambruschini, April of 1998

"That's no hair off of MY ass."
-- John Fleming, 12/16/99

"Don't worry about the fact that the mule is blind, just keep loading the cart."
-- Bob Evans

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